A desperate cry

I lye in the midst of my suffering, covered in mud, blood and rain. What seams to be a thousand flashes per second illuminates the reality of my current circumstances. My foxhole has become my only companion, my only comfort. My ears ring in pain as bombs explode in every direction. If there's a hell, then I'm in it. You never know what a complete loss of hope feels like, until you're forced to embrace it. The loss of hope ironically becomes your only hope. It is the brilliant knowledge that this world, which brings so much chaos, so much torture, and so much pain is finally coming to an end, or at least your perception of it. Now I can only lye in wait. This war is nothing compared to the war I faced in my daily life. It only adds to the twisted humor of Gods perfection.

I take a deep breath, which is but a pitiful sigh as the blood fills my lungs. Foreign tongues are heard all around which is the revelation that the enemy is closing in. Panic rushes over me as I desperately wonder where my battalion is, and the great sadness overwhelms me as I realize they are most likely suffering the same fate as I, A lonely death. "In pain we mostly live and in pain we will mostly die." It is the only quote that sticks in my mind. What truer words could a man speak? I'm living proof of this, but not for long.

I've always heard that in the last moments of a man's life he is forced to examine how he lived. Hopefully he will find some meaning to his existence bigger than himself. I find this statement to be true, because the only thing that comes to mind is the worthless life that I have lived. I've lived mostly for myself. I have loved nobody more than myself. God knows why. If I could only go back I would love with the intensity that love was meant to be. Now its too late, and I lye alone and wait.

Oh how I wish I could rewind the tape and edit the scenes. I now see how simple it was. To love is the essence of life. To live selflessly for others is the only meaning I see as everything unfolds. That is the exact opposite of how I lived. Now it's too late. I'm haunted by the faces I used in my life. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!" I shout in desperation. If only they could hear, but they can't.

If only for one moment I could hold my wife and tell her how much more she deserved from me. I would hold her and tell her how much worth she has. I would tell her how beautiful she is and how I love her with all my heart. Life is but a cruel joke in the fact that you never know what you have till it's lost.

All I have now is the sting of death, which is nothing compared to the pain I feel in my heart. I would embrace this pain every day if only I could be free from my guilt and regret. But I'm now stuck with all three. "Lord I do not ask you to save me from my circumstances. I pray you save me from myself." The final revelation to my life was this. Save me from myself.