The Imagined Hurdle: The Cause of My Anxiety.

Most people who get to know me well, notice I am high strung. My wife can attest to this. I like things controlled. By controlled, I mean comfortable. As soon as a little chaos enters the scene, I get stressed. When I get stressed, I get consumed by whatever happens to be stressing me out. This is what I would consider my biggest character flaw.

I have car trouble, days over for me. Somebody says something that upsets me, days over for me. The list goes on and on.

I checked my blood pressure the other day. Not good. I am now anxious about my blood pressure, which raises my blood pressure. This is problematic for somebody trying to lower it.

Lately I have been really anxious about my future, my job, my wife's job, my son's well-being, etc. I am anxious about what I can bring to the table to provide for them. I am anxious about whether or not I have what it takes to be a man that my family respects.

At the center of all these anxieties, is a single fact. I don't trust God. I don't trust him when he says my needs will be met. I don't trust him when he says that he is sovereign, and I sure as hell don't trust him when he says that my identity lies in who he is.
So as my fears unravel, I am realizing that the problem doesn't lie in the things mentioned above. It lies in my unbelief.

I look at the life of The Apostle Paul. In 2 Corinthians 11, he lays out his life for us. He spent his life being beat up. He said he received 39 lashes 5 separate times. He was thrown in prison, beaten with rods, shipwrecked 3 different times, he was stoned, eventually to death. He also said he went countless nights sleepless and in hunger. But Paul continued to trust in God's sovereignty, in God's grace, and in God's goodness. He still believed that God would provide for him.

When I say I want God to provide for my needs, I usually mean I want him to keep me comfortable. But as we see in Paul's life, this wasn't the case. He was usually anything but comfortable. But living in America, I have grown accustomed to my needs consisting of 3 large meals, a warm bed, internet, cell phones, video games etc. What a joke! "God please provide for my needs so I can be a glutton and waste my time with senseless stuff." This is what an honest prayer from my mouth would look like. There are millions of people in this world who are barely getting a healthy calorie intake for the day. But like I said, I have grown accustomed to such a lifestyle and I blame a God who "doesn't provide" when these things are taken.

When I really stop and look at my life, I have a lot to be thankful for, and very little I should really be anxious about. I start getting a little perspective when I look at the world and I realize what a spoiled child I am. I realize I need to let go of all these things that I can't control. Until I am starving, in prison, or have a mob of angry Jews throwing rocks at me, I'm going to try and relax, thanking God for all the great things I do have in my life.

The shoebox god.

I was told once in a debate that comparing religion to science, is like comparing apples to oranges. He went on to explain that what he meant, was that religion is faith based, (according to him, belief without evidence) and science was fact based. This is a funny statement to me. This is the way most people argue when it comes to topics of faith. Statements filled with more rhetoric than sound arguments.

My initial emotional response to statements such as these is annoyance. Annoyance, because it becomes apparent that I am being fit into a stereotype. and as much as I am guilty of placing people within other stereotypes, I hate being placed into a stereotype. The stereotype that is in place for unthinking, unintelligent religious fanatics that hold up signs protesting against gay marriage etc.

But the more I think about this statement, the more I have to agree with it. I am not a big fan of religion. Religion, gives the God that I know a bad reputation. This god, (the god of religion) is more in place to justify ones own beliefs, (political, social, moral etc) rather than the God that I know, who shows love, grace, and acceptance to people.

Some of the religious people I know, are some of the worst people I know. They use God to fill the world with hate to anybody who doesn't share the same opinions as they do. This isn't a god I want to believe in either. This is a god who is made up of anti-scientific, propaganda, who likes to take the money from people watching cable t.v.

From this stand point, I have to agree that religion is like comparing apples to oranges. But the God that I know, is the God who is the cornerstone of all knowledge. If God is real, then he cannot, by definition, be anti-scientific. He is the center of all truth.This is not a god of the gaps type god. This is the God who has created everything we understand, and everything we do not understand. Science discovers mechanisms, but mechanisms must not be confused with agency.

The problem is that as soon as I mention God, people automatically assume I am talking
about a god who fits within a system, a religion if you will. But the God who I know, does not fit within a religious system. Religion is a box that we create god to fit in, and this god, is the small minded god that we use to confirm our personal identity.

If we are a Republican, we assume God is also a Republican. If we are a Democrat, we assume God is a Democrat. If we are American, we assume God loves Americans more than he loves the rest of the world.

This is what I like to call the shoebox god. We carry him around so we never have to be challenged. After all, if the God of the universe shares my views, then who can argue with me?
But this is the religion that makes people hate god. The god who is accused of being anti-scientific, who hates homosexuals, who is going to send every non-republican to hell, and this is the reason why I hate religion.

Marketing off of a tragedy...9/11

Though 9/11 is well past us, I have been thinking of a couple of issues that have risen. I have been careful to fully develop my thoughts on these issues due to their controversial nature.
First off, one thing we can all agree is this, what happened on Sept. 11, 2001, was a horrible thing. Many lives were lost. Lives that have infinite value. Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters wept that day, and continue to weep for their lost loved ones.
The issues come with the propaganda, and our mindset about the event. For example, there seems to be a mindset amongst Americans, that American lives are far more valuable then the rest of the world. We weep when American solders die, but scoff when Afghanistan soldiers die. We think nothing of it when innocent people die in Lebanon from American bombs, but when events such as 9/11 occur, we are horrified and pray for the families.
The second issue that comes to my mind is the marketing schemes centered around the tragedy of 9/11. Within the first year, Hollywood produced a film about it. Millions of well intended people spent there money to see a film that in my opinion, was only made to make a buck. We have 9/11 memorabilia such as collectible coins, shirts etc.
People often buy these items and feel good about it. What they don't understand is that they are giving their money to the wolves, who care much less about making a difference, and much more about taking advantage of gullible people. This is an act of evil. It a market that is saturated with blood money.
Now, if these items are sold to raise charity, I am all for it. What I cannot stand for, is marketing off of a tragedy. It is our responsibility to know who we are giving our money to and why.

The emotional irrelevancy of unbelief.

In a previous blog, I spoke about the absence of belief based on a scientific bias. In this blog however, I would like to briefly discuss unbelief based on emotional irrelevancy. There seems to be a popular trend in society that loves to claim that their unbelief is based on the fact that others, who believe in a particular religion, (i.e. Christianity) may not act worthy of the beliefs themselves. For instance, I saw a "supposed" quote once by Gandhi that read like this, "I would have become a Christian if I ever met a person who acted like one."
If one's own disbelief is based on someone else's actions, I would argue that the basis for the first individuals unbelief is in fact, a weak one. I, like many others, would love to see Christians acting more like Christ (myself included). However, if I decided to base my whole worldview on how others lived up to those particular beliefs, I would be a fool. For example, most hold onto the belief that the laws of our country, are for the betterment of society. (E.g. murder, robbery, assault, etc.) If I threw out the belief that those particular laws were good, based on the fact that people committed murder, robbery, and assault, you would immediately see the flaws in my unbelief.
People are immoral, no matter what beliefs they hold. If one does not live up to their beliefs, it is less due to the fact that their beliefs are false, and more due to the fact that their character is flawed. Truth, no matter what it is, does not change based on the actions of a particular group, or individual. If it did, I would suspect it not worthy to be called truth.

What makes me a christian?

Recently, I saw someone post a question on a discussion board. "What makes you a Christian?" So I did what any reasonable person would do. I asked myself that question. What does make me a Christian?

Is it believing in the Bible? That is a pretty vague question. There are numerous interpretations of the bible, on a vast amount of topics. A lot of mainstream interpretations I don't believe in. For example, some would say that the bible teaches that the earth is roughly about ten thousand years old. In my opinion, that is on the same grounds as believing that the earth is flat, or believing the holocaust never happened. Does it mean going to church? In the modern sense of the word, I morally feel conflicted going to "church". It is my conviction that church is an institution that feeds on peoples fears, to run a machine, that has been broken for a long time. Does it mean reading scripture, and praying continually? I don't line up with that either.

My mind seems to waiver day to day. Each day brings a new challenge, problem etc. There are some days that I am filled with so much intellectual doubt about my faith, that I live in a dark depressed corner in the back of my mind. So I ask myself again, what makes one a Christian?

Well, for starters, it can't be about me. It must be about what Christ does. I am an arrogant, unloving, selfish, doubtful man, that fails to no end. There must be something more than what I can offer to God (which is nothing). If its about what I understand, accomplish, or pursue, I fail. But in Christ I see victory. Victory that may not (and most times does not) look like what I think it should. So being a Christian can't be about what I do. It must be about what Christ does.

This inevitably brings us to the next question. If being a Christian isn't about me, but is about Christ, then what does Christ do? Philippians 2:13 says "for it is God who is at work in you, to both will and to work according to his good purpose." God is the author and finisher of your faith, (Heb 12:2) we are not.

We spend so much energy trying to do "Gods" work, when maybe we should spend more time walking in faith, allowing God to do the work in which he chooses. When I was younger, I was so anxious, I could barely keep down my meals. I was anxious, because I was terrified I wasn't walking according to God's will. I was terrified that I would make a wrong decision. I wish somebody would have come beside me, handed me a beer, and comforted me with those verses. The next 5 years of my life might have been different. How can we break away from God's will, when He is the author and finisher of our faith?

We give too much credit to ourselves, while we don't give enough credit to God fulfilling his promises. We identify ourselves with these things, (good works, church, Christianity, spirituality) when we should find our identity in who Christ is.

The Christian market is saturated with books, videos, etc, that promise to make you a better Christian. The people marketing these items promise that they have discovered the secret to the "successful Christian life". Why do we spend so much time, trying to live a "good Christian life"? My life is in Christ. He will do the work in me. No longer do I have to worry about my works. God asks us to walk in faith. Not in works. Galatians 3:1-3 says "O foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you, before whose eyes was Jesus Christ publicly portrayed as crucified? This is the only thing i want to find out from you: did you receive the spirit by the works of the law, or by hearing of faith? Are you so foolish, that having begun in the spirit, are you now being perfected in the flesh?" Philippians 1:6 says "being confident in this, that he who began the good work in you, is faithful to complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."

You may ask, "are we not called to do good works?" Ephesians 2:10 says "We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." So first off, we are "His workmanship". Secondly, it states that God prepared good works for us beforehand, that we should walk in them. The meaning is in the details. God prepared the works. They are already set before us, by Him. As we walk in faith, the works will be accomplished. Because it is He who wills in us to work according to his good pleasure.

We are not called to be busybodies, frantically running to and fro, trying to be good Christians. We are called to rest in Christ, allowing Christ to work in us. God produces the fruit, in his timing, according to his will. So rest my friends. The work is complete. Christ has done it. We are free to rest assured, we are in Christ.

So what makes me a Christian? A better question is, Why do I care so much about being "a Christian". I am what I am.

A short, simple discussion, on a long, complex issue.

It amazes me what people will believe, in order to not believe in God. Constantly I see people jumping in a parade that shouts the rhetoric that the belief in God is illogical nonsense. Yet, when asked a better alternative, they have none. They may shout vague terms like "evolution". Yet they have no idea of the meaning of evolution. I believe it was Albert Einstein, who said "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing." People hear small amounts of information, and form their whole worldview on them.
I was watching a documentary that interviewed Richard Dawkins, professor of biology and best selling author of The God Delusion. When asked where life came from, of course he replied "through the evolutionary process." Which means that complex life forms evolved from simple life forms. Yet "simple life forms" are not very simple at all. Biologist know this better then anybody.
The probability of a single cell forming by random process is in the trillions.
When Dawkins was asked where the simple life forms came from, he responded that science does not know for sure. He then said that one of the theories is that a complex life form, which of course, went through an evolutionary process, came to Earth and planted it. This is the best explanation science can come up with?
One of the popular questions that people ask, to argue against god is, "who created God?". Does not the same problem lie with their theory?
People often make the mistake of believing that science is responsible for creating the scientist worldview, when the truth is, their worldview, is responsible for interpreting their science. Science, boomed in the 15th and 16th century because there was a group of men who believed the world would work under laws, because they believed in a law-giver.
So before you give up the belief in God in the name of science. Perhaps look at the other end of the argument.

Virtue

Most days I am sad. Not due of my circumstances, but do to my own inabilities. The people I look up to in this world, the people that make me say to myself, "that is what it means to be a man", the two traits that are at the center, integrity, and courage. They are character traits I hold high. I place them together because It takes a lot of courage to walk in integrity. Both of which, I fall short in.

It takes courage to walk in integrity because integrity means very little, when the decisions being made, are at little sacrifice to ones self. Will I make the right decisions, even when I will lose the most? Will I walk in integrity when the only ones who will take any notice, are God and myself?

We walk in a world where integrity is held very low, while money, accomplishments, social status, and power are held very high. All of which, are temporary. But I have to believe, that the virtues I believe in, have eternal value. I have to believe that they have meaning, that transcend what I see today. Otherwise, virtue has no meaning.

How will I come to the place, where making the right decisions, come before making the easy ones? All I can do is fall to my knees, knowing I am helpless. I must lay my pride aside, and ask God to do his work. I must believe in the God who will do the work. I must have confidence in the eternal consequences in doing so. Because without virtue, there is nothing, and without the God who created them, there is no virtue.

Hope

In three short words, I will systematically disprove everything you have ever believed in. These three, powerful words in the English language, will change your view on life forever. YOU. ARE. WRONG. You are wrong, because I am right. But don't worry. You are not the only person who is wrong. In fact, everybody who doesn't think/believe as I do, is inevitably wrong.

This is the logic that most of us hold. We hold on to our personal beliefs like a slice of bread in a concentration camp. Most of you, believe things, only based on what you've been told. Little effort has been taken to affirm, or discredit, anything you hold onto as truth. This is true for the religious, and non-religious alike. In fact, all of us are guilty of this at one time or another.

Why are we so quick to settle? One reason, its easy. Challenging your beliefs is about as pleasant as washing your mouth out with turpentine, and the truth is, we will never find any absolutes. I have spent years studying religion, philosophy, and science, and I KNOW, about as much as a kid, who has flipped over his handlebars one too many times. If anybody holds any intellectual integrity, they will agree with Socrates, when he said, the more we learn, the more we are aware of our own ignorance.

I, like most Americans, was raised with a Judeo-Christian background. Now I will inform you, I have had a handful of powerful experiences, in which I have seen, felt, experienced, what most would call the spiritual realm. If anything, you would think, that these experiences would confirm my beliefs. On a good day, they do. But there are some days it all seems very improbable to me. A lot of days, I wallow in depression, from what appears to be a meaningless life. A lot of days, it all seems like bullshit. All of these things that I have experienced, turn into a misfired wire in my brain, a dream, that over time, I remember as an actual event, or a complete hallucination.

But all my doubts aside, I have one constant I fall back on. I am a man who needs hope. Hope in something larger then myself. Hope in something that transcends this life, into the next. The hope I am speaking of, transforms the emptiness of life, into something beautiful, because with this hope, all things are made right. With this hope, all things have purpose.

The only one, who I can put my hope into, is this guy named Jesus. Despite my consistent tendency to doubt everything that I have ever believed, I fall back on this guy. Not because I should, but because I have to. Without this hope, I am a train wreck.

Some may view this as a weakness. Perhaps they are right. This, for me, does not put my faith into question. It is only in my weakness, that I see His strength. Only when I give up, he carries me where I need to go.

So question your beliefs. Hell, even doubt them. I believe it will only take you to where you need to go. But remember, we will never find any absolutes. We only find absolutes in mathematics, and God cannot be found in a formula. Either God is, or he isn't. But if you are like myself, when you look inside of yourself, you will find something you need. Something so fundamental, you realize you need it more than anything. It is something that brings permanence. It is something that brings purpose, and meaning. Its hope. So I will ask, what are you putting your hope into?

Music, created by us, or for us?

Music has been a major influence in most peoples lives. It has soothed and inspired since the dawn of modern man. No matter what worldview you have, one thing is for sure, music is a powerful thing.

But why? Why has every culture in history used some form of music to worship, mourn, celebrate etc.?

One of the reasons I believe, is that music was made for us, not by us. I believe it is one more thing that gives evidence towards a creator.

Recent studies have shown that music has many positive effects on people. For instance, it has shown to boost one's immune system after surgery causing a faster recovery rate. It has shown to lower blood pressure, reduce stress, and even treat depression. It has even shown to help stroke victims who have lost the ability to speak learn once again.

In a recent article in Discovery health, it was stated that "The neurological studies of music on the brain seem to indicate that we're hardwired to interpret and react emotionally to a piece of music." Hardwired! Why would one naturally be hardwired to a thing that was created by man, who was made from an unguided process, which was caused by a chemical reaction, that caused life "accidentally,"on a planet that is astronomically fine-tuned for life, "accidentally."

Although this research is fairly new, I could site article after article on this subject. I will spare you the pain, but if you think that I am pulling your leg, just google "neuroscience and music." Enough resources should come up for you to do your own research.

Just some food for thought. This by no means gives us proof of any creator, but as a great man once said, "We speak of evidence, not proof. You only find proof in the field of mathematics." But this is an interesting find none the less.

A desperate cry

I lye in the midst of my suffering, covered in mud, blood and rain. What seams to be a thousand flashes per second illuminates the reality of my current circumstances. My foxhole has become my only companion, my only comfort. My ears ring in pain as bombs explode in every direction. If there's a hell, then I'm in it. You never know what a complete loss of hope feels like, until you're forced to embrace it. The loss of hope ironically becomes your only hope. It is the brilliant knowledge that this world, which brings so much chaos, so much torture, and so much pain is finally coming to an end, or at least your perception of it. Now I can only lye in wait. This war is nothing compared to the war I faced in my daily life. It only adds to the twisted humor of Gods perfection.

I take a deep breath, which is but a pitiful sigh as the blood fills my lungs. Foreign tongues are heard all around which is the revelation that the enemy is closing in. Panic rushes over me as I desperately wonder where my battalion is, and the great sadness overwhelms me as I realize they are most likely suffering the same fate as I, A lonely death. "In pain we mostly live and in pain we will mostly die." It is the only quote that sticks in my mind. What truer words could a man speak? I'm living proof of this, but not for long.

I've always heard that in the last moments of a man's life he is forced to examine how he lived. Hopefully he will find some meaning to his existence bigger than himself. I find this statement to be true, because the only thing that comes to mind is the worthless life that I have lived. I've lived mostly for myself. I have loved nobody more than myself. God knows why. If I could only go back I would love with the intensity that love was meant to be. Now its too late, and I lye alone and wait.

Oh how I wish I could rewind the tape and edit the scenes. I now see how simple it was. To love is the essence of life. To live selflessly for others is the only meaning I see as everything unfolds. That is the exact opposite of how I lived. Now it's too late. I'm haunted by the faces I used in my life. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!" I shout in desperation. If only they could hear, but they can't.

If only for one moment I could hold my wife and tell her how much more she deserved from me. I would hold her and tell her how much worth she has. I would tell her how beautiful she is and how I love her with all my heart. Life is but a cruel joke in the fact that you never know what you have till it's lost.

All I have now is the sting of death, which is nothing compared to the pain I feel in my heart. I would embrace this pain every day if only I could be free from my guilt and regret. But I'm now stuck with all three. "Lord I do not ask you to save me from my circumstances. I pray you save me from myself." The final revelation to my life was this. Save me from myself.

Fact or speculation?

I have spent many nights awake questioning. Questioning the meaning of life. Questioning God. Questioning science. I have spent hours studying philosophy, religion, and science. All in the hope of finding some definite answers to the questions that at times have driven better men than me to insanity.
I have watched many debates on theism vs atheism, read countless articles, etc. At the end of the day, I have come away with one definite answer to my questions. Life is speculative. Evidence seems to be speculative. An interpretation is based on one's already formed worldview. For example, two scientists study the complexity of life. One is an atheist, and the other a theist. The atheist will see the evidence at hand and it will confirm his atheism. "At last, we understand how life works. We now have no need for a god!" The theist will look at the exact information at hand and will shout to the heavens, "what a glorious God we have, life is so complex it can only point to an amazing creator!" Each one is made up his own mind. The information is the same, the conclusions are opposite.
I have made up my mind. I shall follow a God who I have found to give meaning and purpose to my life. Each man must make up his own mind. May we always have the freedom to do so.

Our declining culture.

our meaning is falling though everything we can see
through our glazed eyes we have cured our disease
be gone! We have said, we need you no more
your fictitious words can harm us no more

your hope is our folly, your love is a shame
the words you have spoken are foolish and vain
fairy tales! fairy tales! we shout through the night
as we hide in the darkness and strike in delight

we'll take his gold, we'll take his thing's
this is the life no values will bring
but in the name of progress we destroy his fame
and into the evening our hope shall fade