Most people who get to know me well, notice I am high strung. My wife can attest to this. I like things controlled. By controlled, I mean comfortable. As soon as a little chaos enters the scene, I get stressed. When I get stressed, I get consumed by whatever happens to be stressing me out. This is what I would consider my biggest character flaw.
I have car trouble, days over for me. Somebody says something that upsets me, days over for me. The list goes on and on.
I checked my blood pressure the other day. Not good. I am now anxious about my blood pressure, which raises my blood pressure. This is problematic for somebody trying to lower it.
Lately I have been really anxious about my future, my job, my wife's job, my son's well-being, etc. I am anxious about what I can bring to the table to provide for them. I am anxious about whether or not I have what it takes to be a man that my family respects.
At the center of all these anxieties, is a single fact. I don't trust God. I don't trust him when he says my needs will be met. I don't trust him when he says that he is sovereign, and I sure as hell don't trust him when he says that my identity lies in who he is.
So as my fears unravel, I am realizing that the problem doesn't lie in the things mentioned above. It lies in my unbelief.
I look at the life of The Apostle Paul. In 2 Corinthians 11, he lays out his life for us. He spent his life being beat up. He said he received 39 lashes 5 separate times. He was thrown in prison, beaten with rods, shipwrecked 3 different times, he was stoned, eventually to death. He also said he went countless nights sleepless and in hunger. But Paul continued to trust in God's sovereignty, in God's grace, and in God's goodness. He still believed that God would provide for him.
When I say I want God to provide for my needs, I usually mean I want him to keep me comfortable. But as we see in Paul's life, this wasn't the case. He was usually anything but comfortable. But living in America, I have grown accustomed to my needs consisting of 3 large meals, a warm bed, internet, cell phones, video games etc. What a joke! "God please provide for my needs so I can be a glutton and waste my time with senseless stuff." This is what an honest prayer from my mouth would look like. There are millions of people in this world who are barely getting a healthy calorie intake for the day. But like I said, I have grown accustomed to such a lifestyle and I blame a God who "doesn't provide" when these things are taken.
When I really stop and look at my life, I have a lot to be thankful for, and very little I should really be anxious about. I start getting a little perspective when I look at the world and I realize what a spoiled child I am. I realize I need to let go of all these things that I can't control. Until I am starving, in prison, or have a mob of angry Jews throwing rocks at me, I'm going to try and relax, thanking God for all the great things I do have in my life.
